“Some days are harder than others. Some days my body feels heavy, my eyes feel sad, my brain feels fuzzy and there’s an aching in my chest that doesn’t know what it wants to do. On these days everything is difficult. Leaving the house is hard. Sleeping is hard. Just being alive is hard.
I’m having one of those days. I did manage to surf this morning which has helped a bit. I don’t feel normal. I feel empty. I know I should go to yoga this afternoon, it will help clear my head and soothe my soul. But getting there is hard.
These days come and go, but when they come, they come with vengeance. They hit hard and they make me feel terrible. On these days I’m particularly self-critical, thoroughly mean to myself and my overthinking goes into overdrive. The only thing to do is wait them out. Find distractions – which is easier said than done, when leaving the house feels like an epic challenge.”
I wrote this a few days ago. And the feelings are still lingering, but I’m getting better. Leaving the house is easier, peeling myself out of bed or off the floor isn’t as hard and my body is feeling lighter. From this you’d think I’ve not been doing anything exciting or fun, but I have I promise.
Katy and I not only got our Valentine’s dinner for free this weekend, but we also saw Ziggy Alberts on Friday night. If you’ve ever met me you’ll find out fairly quickly I’m a massive Ziggy fan! Our evening was spent dancing in a way too hot church to his beautiful folky tunes. Honestly, I’m not a huge worrier about what I look like and with the vibe of the whole gig was so relaxed, it was too easy to turn into a huge sweaty mess dancing to his beautiful melodies. Thank god for air conditioning on buses, or I’m fairly sure I would have passed out! My favourite way to get home is to get the ferry, which adds at least 20 minutes to our journey, but catching the Manly ferry at night is a must for every visitor to Sydney. There’s a magic of seeing the city lit up from the water. If you’re lucky, the seagulls will come along side the ferry and guide you home, which is a bizarre union of nature and man.
Sunday was Valentine’s day. Despite both of us technically being single, Katy and I decided to celebrate “love day” by celebrating our house sharing love. Harry Phat’s delivered the goods of street food from around Asia. The food was beautifully presented and delicious and the wine wasn’t bad either! But the excitement of the evening came in the form of a powercut across the whole of Manly. Not something I expected in Sydney. Which meant service couldn’t be resumed, but also meant that the card machines weren’t working and neither were the ATMs. Being the modern humans we are, we don’t carry cash – resulting in our dinner being on the house! Winner winner!
Yesterday, I finally went swimming down by Shelley beach. Which I have been meaning to do for like a year now. I expected to be in the water for 20 minutes but ended up getting too absorbed in being a mermaid and spotting fishes that I was actually there for nearly an hour. By which point I was very sunburnt but thoroughly overexcited that I’d managed to see and identify a blue groper! There were so many fish! I find it amazing that despite the fact Manly is highly developed as soon as you pop your head in the water you’re in a different world. A world that is still very much untouched by man, and therefore holds a beauty and a freedom of expression you just don’t get in the busy metropolis of a normal city.
So what can I say, I’m finding my distractions, I’m trying to make the bad days easier. I looking for the positives. And slowly, slowly, I’m coming out of the funk. One day soon I’ll wake up my mind will be unfuzzy, my body will be light and my love bubbles will return. From experience, I know it will happen and life will get easier – it’s just getting there sometimes!